no more tears

When I was a kid, my mum used to buy this thing called “No more tears” to untangle my hair because it was really hard to keep it under control: picture small kid with something in between dreadlocks and a crazy afro, that had to be tamed in to submission in the form of pony tails, braids or something like that. It was the early 70s, ok?  Even with this, it was tough and it hurt, partly because my mum never mastered the art of brushing my hair the right way which would be, starting at the bottom and only moving up once that section was knot free… but I digress and I probably can only stretch this already ridiculous simile so far.

Anyway, I’m starting to think that I might soon need a similar product to untangle myself.  It seems that I’m just driving on a convertible with my hair down which I can attest, results in intricate and tight knots.  The thing is, I have no idea how to handle this.

Last night, I had a nice fancy – if ridiculously early – dinner with Pearsons and then we came back here to figure out what to do next.  We kissed and at some point he said that he didn’t know where I was at because I’m so quite, which was fine but he just wasn’t quiet sure if I wanted “to be intimate”… intimate?  I told him I didn’t really know where I want to go with this (very true, and truer by the minute) and a bit later I told him that I was not ready for sex, that kissing and some making out felt good for now.  And it does.  It was quite funny because I was wearing one of the least conducive-to-making-out dresses you could think of but that worked out in the end.  We eventually figured out what to do and we went to see Tree of Life… at the same theatre where I went with GI last night… Oh, we also went by his place, which is, as I expected, fairly suburban.  He has a pretty amazing collection of string instruments and played a few of them for me.  When he played blues-y stuff, it was kind of hot, when he went for the soccer mum kind of thing, not so much but there was less of this an more of the blues.  He also had a few nice prints and paintings.  So over all, I had a really good time and got fairly hot and bothered during the make out sessions.  I just don’t know how to proceed.

In the mean time, I’ve had some back and forth with GI over text and email.  She’s excited, I’m excited. Our plans for tomorrow night with Ms U and friend no.1 got semi derailed for a second because Ms U screwed up and double booked herself.  It looks we’ll be going anyway.  GI tells me she’s a bit freaked out because she knows she wont be too good at keeping it cool around me.  There’s concerns with Ms U getting territorial with me plus the awkwardness of them realizing that something is going on.  I’ve been wondering about that too but I say we just go with the flow and figure it out on the fly.  Believe me, dealing with Ms U or friend no. 1 getting jealous is not as high on my priorities right now.

What’s high on my list is figuring out what, if any, I need to tell GI and/or Pearsons. How, really, how did I end up here?

The thing is I’m liking Pearsons more than I thought at first. I’m not too sure that it could last very long but I’m less concerned about hurting him because it seems to me that he could also use a break.  He said last night that it had been quite a while since he’s had a proper date with dinner and a movie like this so I think a respite from single parenthood is doing him some good.  Of course, when he said that, I was tempted to say, “funny you would say that… my last dinner and a movie date was last night” but I figure that was not the way to bring that up.

Then you have GI.  I really like her.  I felt attracted to her from the moment I saw her.  I can’t stop talking when we are together, I want her to know stuff about me.  She loves Rothko, I Am Love, Gothic cathedrals and so much more that I love too.  So what is my hold up?  Well, I’ve only met her 3 times.  I’m not quite sure how to act, what I’m supposed to do.  It’s been a while since I’ve had anything to do with another woman and, lets face it, it was never very smooth so I can’t really draw from experience.  I haven’t really had sex with that many women and I know in many cases, there was plenty I had no interest in doing with them.  So yeah, the truth is that I’m freaking out because what if I actually don’t want, can’t, don’t know how to have sex with GI.   Oh, and there is the whole my-parents-don’t-know situation but that one, I’m better at letting go for now.  I’ll figure that out if and when the time comes in the distant future.

So yeah, I like them both. I’ve never been in this position and I’m not quite sure how to handle it.  I’m not lying to them, and I don’t want to do that.  I want to see where this goes in both cases so I’m not ready to cut either one off.  I want to be honest but I want to believe that at this point, I’m entitled to withhold this information unless asked directly.  The question is when and how do I bring it up if I continue to see them both.