I’m wondering if we are indulging in too much honesty, if it is to soon to tell it all. I think we need to tone this down. GI and are rapidly plummeting in to each other which might feel great but it probably is not be the best thing to do.
Circumstances beyond my control have made this in to not an even field. I haven’t seen Pearsons in over a week because he’s had his kid and he’s been giving me too much space. I told him over the phone that I was seeing other people and he was ok with that. I also told him that he didn’t need to refrain from asking me out or calling that I needed more space or didn’t have time, I would let him know. So the plan is to see him this Thursday and possibly on Saturday too.

In the mean time, I have seen GI four times and had daily texts and/or emails from her. We are ridiculously attracted to each other and are not doing to good or a job at keeping things slow. Let’s illustrate my point:

We are driving around the city looking for the right cafe and we will start kissing passionately at every other red light.

She asks me when I’m going away (I’m going home in a few weeks), that she hopes it’s just one week, that she wants me to travel but doesn’t want to not see for more than a week and says she hopes that’s not too forward. What do I reply? I tell her my travel dates and tell her that although crazy, I can relate because when she told me the night before that she’s planning a long trip in the fall, my first reaction was “what? How long is a log trip? I don’t want to not see you for a long time” and then I tell her that I laughed at myself.

It’s not that these feelings are wrong or unexpected but maybe they should be private thoughts for now. It’s wonderful to hear that we feel the same way but maybe we need to take a step back and slow a bit. We only went out for the first time shy of 2 weeks and we only kissed 10 days ago.

It is really tempting to get myself lost in this wonderful amazing feeling but I don’t want to get lost, I want to take our time. I also want to give Pearsons a bit more time and see how that feels. I want this to be part of my life, not my life.

Is this truce?  Or is it more than that?  There is no way to know in advance so I wont dwell on it.  Right now, even if it is just a truce, it is welcomed.  I feel good and I am grateful for being able to enjoy this, for meeting people that I like and like me, for feeling all this even when it is a bit scary.  I will not focus on how long this will last, I will focus on the present and take it all in and let things happen as the come.

Thank you, if there is anyone or anything responsible for my present situation, thank you.

Last night GI emailed me and said she wanted to tell Ms U and friend no. 1 about us… I sort of freaked out and realized the time had come so we met for a drink.  I had to talk to her and tell her that I’m seeing other people.  She took it really well and then got really flirtatious and we ended up making out in the bathroom, my first time.  That was hot.  We basically had to stop or the make out session would have rapidly degenerated in to full on sex.

We talked about maps and travels and cancer and how hot it was to hold hands the night before.

We made out in the parking lot again and then I came home. Half an hour later, I’m finally coming back to earth.  Hot. I tell you.

I want to be honest. Honest to GI and Pearsons and to myself.  In my attempts to trying to figure out if I need to make them aware of each others existence I asked myself if I would want to know if I were in their shoes.  I then realized that the answer was somewhat irrelevant but here it is anyway.  I’m not sure.  I would want to know if I felt this was super serious material but I wouldn’t want to know if it only would make me insecure.  But back to realizing that the answer was not that important.  I realized that it really wouldn’t be my place to expect to know at this point, that it really wouldn’t yet be any of my business although I could ask if I felt the need but I should only ask questions that I’m willing to hear the answer to, even if I don’t like it.

And then going back to being honest to myself, this is the most important thing at the moment.  First I need to figure out how I’m feeling and what I would like to do.  I’m more and more convinced that what I want to do right now is to continue dating both GI and Pearsons.  I still want more with each one of them and I don’t feel ready to choose.  That is what I want .

Anyway, I’m starting to think that I might soon need a similar product to untangle myself.  It seems that I’m just driving on a convertible with my hair down which I can attest, results in intricate and tight knots.  The thing is, I have no idea how to handle this.

Last night, I had a nice fancy – if ridiculously early – dinner with Pearsons and then we came back here to figure out what to do next.  We kissed and at some point he said that he didn’t know where I was at because I’m so quite, which was fine but he just wasn’t quiet sure if I wanted “to be intimate”… intimate?  I told him I didn’t really know where I want to go with this (very true, and truer by the minute) and a bit later I told him that I was not ready for sex, that kissing and some making out felt good for now.  And it does.  It was quite funny because I was wearing one of the least conducive-to-making-out dresses you could think of but that worked out in the end.  We eventually figured out what to do and we went to see Tree of Life… at the same theatre where I went with GI last night… Oh, we also went by his place, which is, as I expected, fairly suburban.  He has a pretty amazing collection of string instruments and played a few of them for me.  When he played blues-y stuff, it was kind of hot, when he went for the soccer mum kind of thing, not so much but there was less of this an more of the blues.  He also had a few nice prints and paintings.  So over all, I had a really good time and got fairly hot and bothered during the make out sessions.  I just don’t know how to proceed.

In the mean time, I’ve had some back and forth with GI over text and email.  She’s excited, I’m excited. Our plans for tomorrow night with Ms U and friend no.1 got semi derailed for a second because Ms U screwed up and double booked herself.  It looks we’ll be going anyway.  GI tells me she’s a bit freaked out because she knows she wont be too good at keeping it cool around me.  There’s concerns with Ms U getting territorial with me plus the awkwardness of them realizing that something is going on.  I’ve been wondering about that too but I say we just go with the flow and figure it out on the fly.  Believe me, dealing with Ms U or friend no. 1 getting jealous is not as high on my priorities right now.

What’s high on my list is figuring out what, if any, I need to tell GI and/or Pearsons. How, really, how did I end up here?

The thing is I’m liking Pearsons more than I thought at first. I’m not too sure that it could last very long but I’m less concerned about hurting him because it seems to me that he could also use a break.  He said last night that it had been quite a while since he’s had a proper date with dinner and a movie like this so I think a respite from single parenthood is doing him some good.  Of course, when he said that, I was tempted to say, “funny you would say that… my last dinner and a movie date was last night” but I figure that was not the way to bring that up.

Then you have GI.  I really like her.  I felt attracted to her from the moment I saw her.  I can’t stop talking when we are together, I want her to know stuff about me.  She loves Rothko, I Am Love, Gothic cathedrals and so much more that I love too.  So what is my hold up?  Well, I’ve only met her 3 times.  I’m not quite sure how to act, what I’m supposed to do.  It’s been a while since I’ve had anything to do with another woman and, lets face it, it was never very smooth so I can’t really draw from experience.  I haven’t really had sex with that many women and I know in many cases, there was plenty I had no interest in doing with them.  So yeah, the truth is that I’m freaking out because what if I actually don’t want, can’t, don’t know how to have sex with GI.   Oh, and there is the whole my-parents-don’t-know situation but that one, I’m better at letting go for now.  I’ll figure that out if and when the time comes in the distant future.

So yeah, I like them both. I’ve never been in this position and I’m not quite sure how to handle it.  I’m not lying to them, and I don’t want to do that.  I want to see where this goes in both cases so I’m not ready to cut either one off.  I want to be honest but I want to believe that at this point, I’m entitled to withhold this information unless asked directly.  The question is when and how do I bring it up if I continue to see them both.

Suddenly, it appears that I have a social life and some potential for a love life. Crazy, exciting, amazing.

So what’s going on? Well, after my slight freak out a couple of weeks ago after the egg incident, I was seriously considering and pretty close to resolve talking to Pearsons about the probably not relationship but maybe sex situation.  I got a few days to let it steep and ended up realizing that it was actually a big freak out on my part, that perhaps I liked him more than I was willing to accept and that in his dorky way, perhaps he was doing ok and didn’t need to be rescued from my claws just yet.  I realized I actually wanted to hang out with him so I did.  We’ve met twice more, once for lunch and another afternoon fizzy drink get together.  I’m still not too sure where, if anywhere, I want to go but I figured that I should give us some time and see how this evolves.

At the same time, I spent a lot of my energy training for my triathlon and I successfully completed it last Sunday.  Amazing.  I am so happy I did it! I feel really good about myself and I think I might be hooked although the next goal is a half marathon.  I loved it.  Really.  I struggled a bit with the swim but I think I grinned the whole time on my bike and was pretty happy during the run.  I am very proud of myself and I know I have lots of room for improvement.  I’m really excited about it.

Pearsons sent nice, if slightly odd, text messages and when we met after, he had a chocolate with a fortune for me.  Very sweet.  We are going out tomorrow night for a nice dinner and I’m looking forward to it.  I’m wearing a new  dress for it and everything.

But there’s much more going on.  A few weeks ago, actually, on easter Sunday, my friend Ms U (you might remember her from this) invited me for dinner at her place with some friends.  I already knew one of her friends who moved just around here and is pretty cool, the more I know her the more I realize she’s really funny and cool.  I also met Ms U’s ex, hot guy if not terribly intellectually stimulating, and two more friends.  One of them, I clearly remember from OKCupid; lets call her friend no. 1.  I had sent her a message to which she didn’t reply.  I felt slightly awkward but it was fine.  The other friend, from now on know as GI, seemed super nice and we sort of hit it off, among other things, we both belong to the film society and go to screenings.  I thought she was kind of cute but, as always, I couldn’t quite figure out if she was just being friendly or more.  At the end of the friend I already knew and the ex left and friend no. 1 asked me how I met Ms U, we talked about OKCupid, although I didn’t mention the unanswered message and that was that.

So after some back and forth, I met GI for a movie from the film society this Tuesday.  We had a really nice chat after that and then tonight we went for another movie and dinner.  I was wondering if this was a date, if I was misreading her friendliness as more than that or the other way around.  Either way, I was excited to see her again.  It turns out, she likes me. She is attracted to me and I am attracted to her and it feels good.  There’s some butterfly action but no (or hardly any) anxiety.  At times, when we are talking, I want to kiss her, a little distracting but awesome.  We are both shy and I’m not too sure I know quite how to do this but that’s ok.  We kissed. A couple of times. Soft, sweet kisses.  It felt good and sweet and exciting and I am glad we did.

I can’t believe it.  I can’t believe that apparently I am dating two people.  Two really nice people that really seem to like me.  On top of that, this afternoon I had two friends text me to see if I wanted to go out with them tonight but I had already made plans with GI. I could not believe it.  Me, suddenly being popular.  Suddenly having to turn down invitations.  Suddenly having options.  I intend to be honest and nice and I also intend to enjoy this.  Wow.

I don’t think this is going to work.  The truth is that for me so far it is all about getting out and getting laid. If I wait to get laid, he’s going to get even more excited about us and I’m going to hurt him and he’s a nice guy and I don’t want to do that knowingly.  Can I just tell him that I don’t know that we can be anything more than friends with benefits?  That I don’t want my friends to meet him? Obviously not, at least not the latter one.  Am I being a pretentious bitch assuming that he’s liking me much more than I am?

I don’t think it is a matter of moving too fast.  I think it’s just his personality and if I was more in to him, I’d be ecstatic about this. But I don’t.

I hate this.

This is interesting for me, to move at a slower pace but actually move.  I tend to be either yes or no.  Maybe this can be a good thing, maybe I can actually do this slow thing and let the butterflies come.  Or maybe not.  Maybe I’m just playing and waiting to have sex, lots of sex and that’s it. But maybe, just maybe.

Certainly not what I feel when I chat with Gris.  We just chatted for a bit.  Same adorable, hilarious, smart, complicated, transparent yet inscrutable guy that I fell in love with.  It sounds like he’s likely to still be there when I go visit in July.  We’ll go sailing, or so we say. I might have said this before, but I partly hope that he’ll already be gone.  Truth is, that’s just the fear of rejection speaking.  He mentioned coming – or better said – not coming as in, I should have gone.  There was vague talk about him still coming but I am not holding my breath on that.  I can’t hold my breath on anything with Gris, and yet, he takes my breath away.

I know, the second date dude will be from here on referred as Pearsons.

Is it horrible of me to see this as likely to be nothing more than a nice break from singlehood?  I need to have sex and I’m pretty sure he would be a willing participant judging from the kissing and hand maneuvering. I can wait a bit on that but I would like to get my fix.  It’s been too long and I really need it.  Who knows, maybe butterflies and fireworks could develop. Or not. But how can I know?

Does it make sense to give this a chance?  Is it smart? Is it fair to him?